Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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