Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
