I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
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