What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
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