I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
