I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
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I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
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Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
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