i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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