Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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