the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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