Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Randomize
