she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
You pole danced in your parka.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
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