i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
