I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
