I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
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