I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
