i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize