My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I forgot wine drunk hurts
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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