ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
it hurts more in the daytime
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Randomize
