Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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