By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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