my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Randomize
