never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
