she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
