I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
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I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
