remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
