does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize