I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
