I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Randomize
