just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize
