After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I pour the whiskey from now on
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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