Umm I'm too high to move.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
there is glitter all over my balls
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