I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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