I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
if only i could text you this smell
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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