just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
