Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Randomize
