Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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