and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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