Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Randomize
