Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
