Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
