i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
my shit smells like andre
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
