My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
