I can text with my tongue
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
