woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
