can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Randomize
