Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
