I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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