I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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