i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
