Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
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