Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
