Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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