I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
