I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
