oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Randomize
