I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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