I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
