and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Holy shit dude........stairs
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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