Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
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