and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
