My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
