I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize