she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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