i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Randomize
