that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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