I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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